I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
