turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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