All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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