Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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