hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
