Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just got carded by a ten year old.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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