On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
