I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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