you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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