i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
