you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
