I wish my penis had an off switch
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
