my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
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her body is proportioned like a family guy character
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
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I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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