at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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