when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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