I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Me too!
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
