He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
