dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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