when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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