The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
