Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
