Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
