i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Mom said you looked used
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
