Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
