My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
