tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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