So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
