Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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