I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
