Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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