i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
