I think I won the penis lottery.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
