He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
