You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Can vaginas get frostbite?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
