there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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