if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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