in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
