Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
