i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
