I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
