You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
