i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
