I will die if light touches me.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
