He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
