you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
