You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
