I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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