I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Randomize
