Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
