His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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