I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
