I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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