Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
