Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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