Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
